Dressed up Garbage Can

Lindsey Lohan's substance abuse issues has landed her in jail again. America's Idol, Fantasia, allegedly attempted suicide and was unsuccessful. The best golfer of my generation, Tiger Woods,went from number one to multiple sex scandels. Terrell Owens has worn over three NFL team jerseys and battles abandonment issues related to his father. All of these people have fame and money. They are beautiful and hansome with many opportunities in their hands. The problem is that they are dressed up garbage cans. We all are in some sense.

No one wants to place their hands inside a garbage can. The garbage can is where we place our trash; things we do not want or things we want to hide. Sometimes people can appear to have it all together. So much so, that others may want to be just like them. I admire a lot of people, but I do not want to be a dressed up garbage can. I want to be renewed and whole on the inside. I don't want to carry around "stuff." Stuff becomes trash if not recycled. Look at yourself. What do you need to recycle and resolve? Are you a dressed up garbage can concealing your hurt and pain from the world? What issues are buried at the bottom? Its time to take the trash out; its time to clean yourself up from the inside out. If you don't, your pretty little trash can will run over and all your "stuff" will fall out for everyone to see. Empty the trash.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

You Sound So Sweet

This past week, I saw a common theme with several people- hopelessness, defeat, and fear. My heart was grieved at the end of the week because so many people are hurting as a result of how cruel someone has been to them. People are wanting to walk away from their jobs because of how rude their supervisors are. Relationships are broken because of how demeaning one's partner is. It is sad to watch a person's spirit be abused and victimized.

Words are so important and powerful. You must believe this. Positive statements can affirm someone. We need to become encouragers of one another. Let your words be gentle and sweet as honey. "How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" (Psalm 119: 103). Everyone needs to hear positive words because they sound so sweet. Positive talk soothes pain, it gives us the motivation to go on a little further, it inspires us, and it lifts us above our problems. Positive words reaches down and pulls us up, straightens our backs, lifts our head up, aligns our shoulders, and lifts our leg to step forward. It stirs our spirit up positively.

This week, make sure someone leaves your presence feeling that you sounded so sweet to their soul because you do not know what they are going through in their lives.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

Don't Give Up

Years ago, there was a woman who had a problem that needed to be resolved and she went to the judge everyday. The judge didn't want to be bothered with her or even consider her issue. She refused to give up. This lady basically bugged the heck out of him because she knew that he was the only one that could help her. The judge said, "even though this woman bothers me I will give her what she wants otherwise she will continue to wear me out." This woman was persistent.

This week I want to impart a message of perseverance to you. There are times when giving up may be the best thing for you to do; however when you allow fear to become the determining factor for giving up then it is unacceptable. Fear is the opposite of faith. You must first acknowledge that you are afraid. It could be that you're afraid of failing or losing something or someone. Once you identify what you are fearful of then affirm that you can do anything through your Higher Power who gives you strength (Philippians 4:13).

When you feel like throwing in the towel and walking away, find the courage to pray(1 Chronicles 17: 25).

Next understand that you must not be distracted by negative thoughts, people, or things. Be focused (1 Corinthians 15:58). Keep pushing and believing. Don't give up!

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

Peace during the Storm

Whenever there is thunder and lightning I like to turn everything off in the house and sit still. Mainly because I am afraid but also because there is a sense of peace that rests on me while I sit and listen. But how does one find peace in the midst of chaos and drama?

Negativity is the lead entertainer during chaos and drama. First and foremost, focus on the good things. "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things" (Philippians 4:8).

Second, separate yourself from negative people (2 Timothy 3:2-5). Bad apples really do spoil good ones. My daddy used to say, "Show me your friends and I will show you your future."

Lastly, strive to be a positive example (Matthew 5:16) as there are enough negative folks stirring up drama everyday. You can bring hope to what seems to be a hopeless situation, light to dark moments, kind words where there is verbal attack. You can be someone's peace during their storm.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

Let it Go

Last night I briefly watched a show on TLC about people who are hoarders. Believe it or not, a large aspect of hoarding is psychological. Many times hoarders substitute their emotional pain with objects. After a while their home is filled with more and more junk. For those who are not hoarders, we assume it should be easy to just throw the unnecessary stuff away. Well, for hoarders its not that simple.

For a brief moment I started to wonder about what I was hoarding. Not physically but mentally and emotionally. Once I realized what I have been negatively holding on to I started to brainstorm about how to let it go. This thing had stifled me in a manner where I could not grow completely. I felt like a beautiful flower that was only getting part of the sunlight but not all of it. The difficult part for me was wondering what people would say about me. I tend to take care of others before nurturing myself. Immediately I knew that had to stop. I cannot be a gift to someone if I do not take the time to carefully wrap myself. Today I'm letting go of needing my mother's support and approval. I'm letting go of waiting for her to say, "I'm proud of you." I am letting go of wanting to place my head in her lap and just cry if I want to. I am letting go of needing to be strong because that is what others expect of me. I'm letting go of the "what if" and focusing on "what I can."

My BFF

For the past week my three year old daughter has been grieving over the fact that a little girl at school not wanting to be her friend. At least five times a day she says, "Mommy, Lala said I'm not her friend anymore." After hearing her talk about this little girl eveyday, I knew it was critical for me to say the right thing. I couldn't down play the situation. I said, "It looks like you're pretty sad about that." My daughter said, "Yes I am and Lala is not nice." I told my daughter that when she doesn't do something Lala wants her to do, then Lala will say mean things. I reminded her that friendship should feel good. Its about sharing, laughing, and having fun. I also told her the next time Lala says that to her to tell Lala, "I don't care, I have friends!" Its true, she does have friends. She has me and her daddy and her whole family. Most importantly, she has God.

As I look back, the friends that are still in my life add value and meaning. Those who I chose to let go were not good for me. There is one friendship that has not waivered and that is my relationship with Christ. He loves me when I am at my worst. He hasn't said He won't be my friend anymore. He hasn't left me and I have decided I won't leave him either. The gospel songwriter, Marvin Sapp, sang, "He saw the best in me when everyone else around could only see the worst in me." Joseph M. Scriven wrote a poem to his mother in 1855. It is now a hymn sang all across the world, "What a friend I have in Jesus all of my sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege it is to carry everything to God in prayer." To sum it all up, He is my BFF.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

I am Ready to Settle Down (Part 4)

My fourth point is, be prepared; your man will come when you least expect it. Naomi had stated earlier that she left full and came back empty, but in fact she had the land in Moab that her husband owned. Later you will see how important this land is.

One of the pastors at Ben Hill, Rev. Gigi Warren, stated she would not want a bozo because she'd rather have a Boaz. I agree with her. Boaz was Naomi's husband's relative. This was important because it was customary for a close relative to "redeem" the land (Leviticus 25:25). What land? Naomi's land. Boaz was wealthy. He owned the fields that Ruth was working in. He admired Ruth's faithfulness and loyalty. She didn't have to be out there working. She could have returned to her family and possibly remarried. She wasn't complaining, she didn't mope around, and she had no little gods. Ruth also listened to her support system. She washed and anointed herself and went to the threshing floor where Boaz was. This is where my knowledge from multiple religion courses kick in-thanks to my education atStillman College. The threshing floor was usually away from where people lived, normally in a field or on a hilltop. The threshing floor was used to separate the grain from the chaff (the good from the bad). Threshing floors had a tendency of being robbed for the grain so it was very common for someone to sleep there overnight. That is why Boaz was there. Ruth didn't wash and anoint herself to be romantically involved with Boaz. Symbolically, the threshing floor represents a place of judgment/testing and even a place to receive blessings. Read the story and you will see that Boaz "redeemed" the land (only after another relative declined to redeem Ruth) and Ruth became his wife. I think Ruth never expected that Boaz would be her husband; there was a possibility the other male relative would have "redeemed" her.

Here is where I come in. Threshing floors are connected with altars (1 Chronicles 21:18). I was focused, working on me and improving myself. One Sunday my girlfriend (one of my support system) and I attended the 7:30 am service at church. This was normal for me. The only difference was I didn't pray at my seat, instead I went to the front near the altar. After church we visited the mall and as we were leaving, I complimented a gentleman by saying, "You look nice in your suit." I was tired of seeing black men in the mall with their pants hanging down. The compliment was innocent. That gentleman stopped me to talk and the rest is history. I never expected to meet my husband in Macy's on a Sunday afternoon.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

I am Ready to Settle Down (Part 3)

My third point is, you have to surround yourself with people that support you. When Naomi and Ruth returned to Bethlehem from Moab, the people started talking. The conversations probably went something like this, "Girl, you know Naomi is back. She got her daughter-in-law with her too. That's so sad what happened to them. How are they gonna make it? Naomi acknowledged she had "left full and came back empty."

Even though Naomi might have felt the way she did, she was Ruth's support system. With her love and wisdom, she instructed her on what to do and how to behave. This is what you need. You don't need your girlfriends who are single and sailing in the same boat as you to give you advice. You need someone with wisdom that will provide advice in a loving and supportive manner. You don't need to be pointed in the wrong direction. Stop calling the psychic lines asking them about your love life.

My support system became the women at my church (at the time it was New Beginnings Full Gospel Baptist Church). I was able to study more and ask questions for guidance. Don't get me wrong, I talked to my friends but what I shared with them was limited. As I improved my life and learned from my support system, I disclosed to my friends so that they could do the same. This is what I describe as expanding and empowering the support system. Now you have to take a roll call of your support system. Who is in it? What are they contributing? Is it positive or negative? What am I missing inmy support system? How do I get it? If you need assistance, give me a call.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

I am Ready to Settle Down (Part 2)

If you read part one of this post, then I hope you read the book of Ruth. Assuming you did, I will move to my second point. You have to get busy doing something productive that will improve your life. Naomi had lost her husband and two sons. This made her and Ruth widows. Here you have two women, one old and the other young, to care for themselves. You have to understand the situation these women were in. You see, if Ruth's brother-in-law was living then he would have been able to take her as his wife and give her children to carry on his brother's name (Deut. 25:5). Ruth would have been taken care of by him. This wasn't the case so Ruth had to get busy working (Ruth 2:2).

I did the same thing. I started channeling my energy into self-improvement in my career and spiritual life. I had to do a roll call of self-improvements. I wanted to get my life in order. I couldn't be a "gift" with money problems or self-esteem issues. Same thing for you. You have to focus your time and energy on improving your situation. You cannot afford to sit around and mope about this or that. You don't need a man to come into a dysfunctional and dramatic life. You want him to enter into an organized, serene, and responsible situation. Do like Ruth and get to working. First you make a list of what you need to improve. Second set reasonable, short-term goals for each need. Third, give each goal a target date that is realistically achievable. Fourth, get support to help you stay focused to achieve the goals. If you need my assistance, give me a call.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

I am Ready to Settle Down (Part 1)

I can remember when I was ready to settle down and exit the world of dating drama. I did not want to get married, per se, but I wanted to be in a committed, loving, and faithful relationship. I did not want to deal with the lies, cheating, and being a "link" in a man's chain. I wanted to be the main girl and the only girl. By the way, if you have not read about Ruth, then you must do so to understand my message. It is a short book (in the Bible) with a powerful messsage. Long story short, Ruth was married to Naomi's son and he died. After Ruth's husband died, she made a decision based on love and loyalty to remain with her mother-in-law versus returning home to her family. In addition, Ruth had given up her idol gods when she married into the family and decided she will continue serving 'THE God'.

Here is where my first point comes in. When I was ready to settle down, I had to make a decision too. I had too many gods in my life that were distracting me. Little gods can be something you consistently do in an unhealthy manner whereby trying to get a positive result or feeling. Little gods leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, and hurt. Little gods can range from drinking and drugging, promiscuity, clubbing,sexting,over eating, manipulation,money,vanity,telling lies, etc. I know what mine were, but you have to recognize yours. Once I decided to focus on "THE God' consistently is when I casually met the man that would be my husband. Looking back, I now know that I had to be loyal to my God. I had to love Him and myself. I had to learn not to put any little gods before Him. It was a struggle to love myself; however I learned to love me and I am so glad I did. Once you start to really love yourself,those little gods will go away.

Now you might wonder what does this have to do with being ready to settle down. A lot! If you have found yourself tired of these crazy men and you are worn slap silly over the drama and mental stress, then this is for you. If you are yearning for "true love" that will not waiver and is kind and gentle, then this is for you. The real true love begins with the source-your Higher Power. He saturates your soul until you are filled with self-love. That's awesome! He has to do this first in order to cleanse and prepare you to be the perfect "gift" for the man you will settle down with. Now, when I do counseling I put my personal beliefs to the side to be ethical. So if you need assistance with self-love, then give me a call. We can work together. In the meantime, stay tuned for Part 2 of this message.

Have a sweet day,
Shaneka

Too Much Pain

I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life…Ezekiel 37:5 (NASV)

NOT TODAY; you are not going to die today. NOT TODAY; you are not going to burn yourself today. NOT TODAY; you are not going to cut your body today. The pain is dreadfully awful and unbearable so you would rather die than live; you would rather burn or cut your body than feel the emotional pain. You would rather numb yourself with alcohol and drugs. You feel no one is listening and nobody cares. You want to give up; you want to forget that painful experience. You feel empty inside, hopeless, and tired. There is a message of hope and restoration in the story of the dry bones. These bones were broken, forgotten, and lifeless; however the bones were given vitality and life. No matter how hopeless your situation may appear, the reality is it can be revived. No matter how much pain you feel, you can be rejuvenated. No matter how broken you are, you can be restored. No matter how lost you feel, you can be reconciled. You matter! You are worth being loved.

Today you will choose to get help from someone who cares. Today you will choose to not harm your body. Today you will choose not to drink yourself into a quiet sleep. You will choose hope, peace, and healing. Today you will choose to LIVE!

Wow, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to change the direction of your journey! Allow me to walk with you, let’s get started. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Have a sweet day,

Shaneka

You Need a Strong Foundation

…he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation on the rock; and when a flood occurred, the torrent burst against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. Luke 6:47-49 (NASB)

In March I sent a text message to an associate that I had not spoken to in months. Little did I know this person’s phone number changed. I did not know this until my phone rang and the lady on the other end angrily asked, “Who is this? Who is this and why the hell are you texting my man?” I knew where this was going and I did not want to be a part of her road to insanity. I chuckled inside and politely told her, “My name is Shaneka. Ma’am I am sorry but I did not text your husband.” She immediately hung up the phone. Minutes after her call, she texted me saying, “Why did you text my husband? Do you know him?” I paused for a second and decided to call her to let her know that I did send a text message but it was not for her husband and apparently my person’s number had changed. I told her I was married and offered a little advice- “Stop snooping in your husband’s phone.” I told her to be still and connect with her intuition. “What is your spirit saying to you? Notice how it feels in your body when I say to be still and listen,” I said. She paused in silence for ten seconds and tearfully said, “Yea, you’re right…this has happened before…he’s cheated before. I’m so tired; I’m just sick and tired.” I told her I was a Therapist and we talked for a while. She needed someone to listen to her without giving her “girlfriend” advice. She needed her feelings to be validated and she needed to feel like she mattered.

The bottom line is all relationships must have a solid foundation. I have four principles for a healthy relationship: trust, respect, support, and patience. You cannot have one or two; you must have all four. What is missing in your relationship? What do you need to do to establish these principles? To whom much is given, much is required. You have to focus on your actions and allow your partner to focus on theirs. Do you trust your partner? Do you respect your partner? Do you support your partner one hundred percent? Are you patient with your partner? Did your relationship begin with a solid foundation or did you have a rough start? The partner who has been cheated on will be hurt badly; the partner who has cheated will more than likely feel guilty and ashamed. Relationships with infidelity can be saved if both partners are willing to work together, be open and honest, and commit to love each other again. The demolition has been done. You have to decide to do the reconstruction on your foundation and rebuild your relationship stronger, solid.

Wow, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to change the direction of your journey! Allow me to walk with you, let’s get started. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Have a sweet day,

Shaneka

What are you angry about?

The Lord said, “Do you have a good reason to be angry?” Jonah 4:4 (NASV)

I am not a Reality Show fan. However a few months ago I mistakenly tuned in to watch Basketball Wives. The first thought I had was, “Oh Lord, here’s another show with some sistas acting like they don’t have no sense.” I was partly right; there was some serious childish drama and there were moments of genuineness and maturity.

Each week I would turn the television off angrily proclaiming, “I ain’t never watching this show again!” The joke was on me because I would tune in the next week saying, “Lord why did you allow this drama to be on TV?” What really sent my anger over the top was seeing Royce (the ex-NBA dancer) backing her ‘thang’ up, dropping it like it was too hot, and getting down low to the floor. “Once again Lord, you gave them a TV show to do this. For what?” The sad part was Royce thought there was nothing wrong with dancing the way she does.

Then God convicted me. He reminded me that I used to be a Royce, Jennifer, and Evelyn. Back in the day, I had some serious dance moves, would cut another person with my words in a hot second, and was torn between leaving a broken relationship or stay. God allowed me the opportunity to change and grow (and I’m still growing). He didn’t severely punish me for being the person I was over ten years ago. Nevertheless, by the time the season finale aired, I had compassion for the women on Basketball Wives, especially Royce. I was able to use my therapeutic eyes and see past the drama, gossip, drinking, and dirty dancing. I saw friendship, pain, a yearning to be loved and accepted, insecurities, vulnerability, confusion, happiness, creativity, and resiliency. The same characteristics I saw in them, I have seen in myself. So what are you angry about and do you have a good reason? Try taking a step back and do a self-assessment.

Wow, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to change the direction of your journey! Allow me to walk with you, let’s get started. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Have a sweet day,

Shaneka

Red Slippers Blessing

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find it, knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:8 (NASV)

Remember the movie The Wizard of Oz? Dorothy traveled to the Emerald City wearing glittery red slippers with a scary cat Lion, a dingy Scarecrow, and an empty, heartless Tin Man. They each wanted something desperately, but Dorothy wanted to go home. Once she arrived to the Emerald City, Dorothy learned that all she had to do was open her mouth and ASK for what she wanted, BELIEVE that she would receive it, and click her red slippers. Amazing! Dorothy was wearing her blessing during the entire journey and did not realize it.

What blessing have you been given that you are not using? Well, it is useless if you do not know what it is or you do not know what to do with it. First, ask for what you want; just open your mouth and ask for it. Second, believe that you will receive what you ask for. Lastly, it requires you to do something. It may be doing some research to start your own business, budgeting your checkbook instead of avoiding your bank account, or maybe going back to school. This is your opportunity; so what are you waiting for?

Wow, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to change the direction of your journey! Allow me to walk with you, let’s get started. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Have a sweet day,

Shaneka

Scary Cat

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10 (NASV)

My 2 ½ year old daughter is a scary cat. She is afraid of the dark, her shadow, and the DVD light on her television (because the “TV is looking at me” she says). Even though she is afraid, she reassures herself by saying “God will protect me.” Believe it or not, adults are scary cats too. Our fears can range from failing to being alone. In my practice I have seen adults who are afraid to socialize because of insecurities; afraid to step outside their comfort zone to accomplish a dream; afraid of divorce and rejection. Nevertheless, I have been a scary cat too. There was a time when my fear immobilized me and kept me from being happy. At one time, I was afraid to leave a job where I was not happy because I feared how I would pay my bills. I had stress and headaches at that place every day until I ended up in the emergency room with mild symptoms of a heart attack. I eventually found the courage (Isaiah 35:3-4) to choose peace and happiness by believing that my Higher Power is with me and He won’t leave me nor forget about me (Hebrews 13:5).

So here I am still doing what I love to do without any stress and my bills are getting paid. What an awesome blessing! Now it is your turn to stop being a scary cat. My daughter does not have to walk in the dark alone because I walk with her and turn on the light. She does not have to be afraid of her shadow once she sees my shadow next to hers. At night, she does not have to be afraid of the DVD light on her television because her Daddy will sing her to sleep. She is not alone and neither are you.

Wow, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to change the direction of your journey! Allow me to walk with you, let’s get started. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Have a sweet day,

Shaneka

Empty Arms

“Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” James 4:8 (NASV)

Four years ago I encountered a season of grief and anger. I had a miscarriage and became very angry with God. “Why me? Why did you do this to me?” I asked God all sorts of questions and as a result I started to turn away from him because I was hurting and felt that he wronged me. Weeks later I returned to work as a Therapist helping other people but no one was helping me. During the day I held my head high, shoulders back, and walked with poise. On the inside I was exploding. I would weep in the shower and quietly cry at night. Many people said, “You’re young; you can try again.” Little did they know-those were the wrong words to say. The message to my soul was so insensitive and never comforting.

BUT there was a break through! My anger humbly resurrected in the midst of my tears during Sunday School. I shared my “why me” question with my class. Immediately I was reminded that God loves me and he feels my pain. There were hands touching me, arms embracing me, and tears shed with me. I heard prayers whispered to God for me. I felt peaceful. At that moment I realized that I could not turn away from God any longer because I needed his peace to rest on me. In any situation, I have to be close to him to feel comforted, strengthened, and loved. Are your arms empty as a result of a miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant death, or tubal pregnancy? If so, choose to draw near to something greater than yourself for the comfort and peace you deserve.

Wow, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to change the direction of your journey! Allow me to walk with you, let’s get started. Click here to schedule an appointment.

Have a sweet day,

Shaneka